I invite you to listen to my reading of this last diary entry, over a beautiful mood weaving music track. It should hopefully add another dimension to the story for you.
Just click on the link below “Diary Entry #6 The Last Entry″ to enjoy the mp3 recording while you read along or just look at the pictures, as if I were in your room, reading it to you out-loud Diary Entry #6 The Last Entry
Have you ever read something written by yourself and felt it was a stranger who held the pen? I am doing this now as I sit in Ismara’s bedroom, trying to recapture from these diary entries, that at times seem like the delirium of a mad woman, some thread that ties this all to me, to my life and my reality. It makes me feel like I am returning from a journey, or more like retracing my steps back to the beginning of that journey, and most of it seems like a dream. I say most, because I feel every now and then a sad twinge that this Is my diary and it almost is familiar. My heart beats thaddumps in an ever increasing rate, as I read each line, each scene becomes alive, and if I still don’t feel it happened to me, Oh I feel it happened to someone I care for.
Even the diary entries, the first ones, were not accepted as real, but more like an extraordinary lucid dream, an erotic fantasy self induced by subconscious yearnings, not able to be felt in life..and this sadly I agree is also my story too.
I accept the premise that I wrote this…all of this,and not remembering is not even a problem, because as I turn each page, I am becoming more involved, and oddly enough I notice, that I see scenes in my head, that come up in the diary a few pages further on. I am seeing them, feeling them before I have had a chance to read them.How can I describe here, in this very same journal, what I am unwilling to believe, or unable to remember happened to me, and yet, I know it did. It is as if I had been a victim of amnesia, and now I know what a truly horrible feeling that is. I have been exhausted for days, and sort of depressed, at times confused and I wonder and worry for my sanity. It is my handwriting, there is no doubt in my mind, but the places, and the entities I describe in sometimes very elaborate detail, so far are totally not recognized by me.
I have tears that sting and fall at any moment while I am reading and a terrible sense of loss, the loss of understanding that this is being recounted by me because I experienced it. I didn’t make it up, I accept that I didn’t, and yet how real can any of what I am reading truly be? I see I fell in love with an entity from the parallel world I seem to have entered almost by chance at first and then by will, as it becomes obvious that this world took hold of me, and pulled me in deeper and deeper.
After a few pages of jumping around in no special order,I am suddenly reeling in a dizzy vortex of almost remembering a name, “The Intimate,” he says.. “Call me my Intimate and I will call you mine.”
It hits me like a swollen river, these words, because I know I love this being, and it all begins to flood back in my dry empty lake of dust and transparent memories.
I press the diary to my chest and cry out-loud, “Ohhh my Intimate.. I remember you..I remember you. Are you really still here?” A voice inside my own head, but not my voice at all answers me, “I am here mine..beautiful mine..I am here.” I am desperate to hold him and yet how can I? He and I are one, and there is no soft orb body to press against my throat. Oh, I remember how that felt..I am remembering how it all felt. My tears are of awe at how this strange diary tale, has turned one corner and all of a sudden it is my tale, my incredible life that I am reading, lived and chronicled here in my diary, the sublime love of two very different life-forms, yet love itself was what built the bridge to join them for awhile. I begin to shut down my thinking, my linear logic, and just remember that state he showed me, and to empty myself and let him take me over. A small grabbing of fear invades my heart, and it cramps and miss-beats, but love, the love I know I had and still have for him, tells me it will be o.k, it will all work out and be o.k. I listen, the diary laying in my lap, my eyes closed I only listen and pray he will speak again to me. This is not madness, I keep reassuring myself, this is love and remembering.
“I don’t know how you came to us, and I don’t know why, beyond we were destined to meet. That first day, I looked up through one transparent layer of my resting level, and there you were standing over me. You were body, a beautiful body, with legs and arms , the appendages my kind find so unattractive, and yet I felt an orb pulsating inside of you, and I was inflamed with desire for you. I grabbed your leg and pulled you down close to me..I reached through the floor in my way, with my powers I made my most sensitive parts into a hand of energy.and held you to me, so that I might feel and touch and explore you..every smooth curve, every warm throb, showed me, you accepted and welcomed me doing this to you. You wanted my touch as much as I wanted to feel you and it was a moment I will never forget in all my existence..spontaneous, wordless, touch, and desire. I held you and I let you know I approved of every inch I traced and squeezed. We don’t use bodies for our most intimate release, but we use our thoughts, our minds our colored imaginations, and yet feeling yours respond, as my mind was too responding, filled me with a future desire to enter inside of you and fill you from the inside out, enjoying every ripple and shiver your body would give to me in response. Ahh mine, I have never felt this before , with anyone of my kind..and I knew I would be lost in you, if you returned, and if you never did, I would be haunted for all my time left alive and conscious.”
“It all returns to me, all the sensations of being with you, my Intimate, oh but what has happened that you are without form, inside of me, in my reality? How can you be alive and why did I forget you?” I lie down on the couch and instinctively stroke my throat as I feel his warmth inside of me at this point, and I imagine I am pressing him to me, and his words begin to ignite me as the experience itself did that first time we chanced to meet. “What has happened that you are here? I don’t remember preparing for your crossing over..I don’t remember that part at all,” I sigh. I feel heavy in my head, and maybe it is because you have become part of me. Is it possible to stay this way…forever? My Intimate, I am wondering if you really are all right?” Worry seeps again inside of me, not for my precarious sanity, which I do feel is being stretched to its limit, but rather for your continual existence and safety. I know the answer before you even think it inside of me.
“My truth and my love, we can not stay this way much longer… We must make haste for I don’t think, now that you know I am here, your sense of reality can hold me inside of you, without you losing your mind, and I too need to have my housing, my own space to fill up with my essence and my essence alone. I hold back inside of your mind, but soon I will not be able to, and what comes pouring out of me will fill every chamber and you will be incapable of living your life…you will go mad, and will be sentenced to madness with no hope for a cure, and I too will be locked away with you. Death would be better than that my sweet mine. Death would be so much better.” I need an orb for us to survive, but now, more than that I need you to join with me and let me heal you and believe me with all you know is true, I never meant to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you, or see you hurt ever again. I will leave you and go to my nonexistence, rather than watch a tear of sadness fall from your eyes because of me, or a glint of madness shine because I overloaded you. Empty yourself and I will make you mine one last time before we separate. We could not be more intimate than we are now, but close your eyes, and remember the feeling of me against your throat, flowing into you, floating and filling all of you. Ahhhhh mine….”
I close my eyes as he asks of me, and put aside the warnings, and all the dangers that we could face. I let him take over the very neurons of my brain. I feel him undulating, seeping inside my soul, and I gasp, a wordless gasp of once again experiencing more than any human being is prepared to feel..I shudder, and I breathe, and I cease to exist for more purpose than to feel myself dissolve into him. Places we can know have no names, and no words were ever invented for them, but we can visit them, not by choice, but by invitation and by grace. No devil is he who has shown me this truth, but a rare being whose world has taught him other knowledge. I tear into small pieces of myself and let him swallow me in, drinking me down as each piece turns to liquid, my memories, my future dreams, my love for my sister, my art, my crazy doubts, he drinks them all out of me and fills me with the most sublime longings, yearnings and electric desire until I overflow and give it all back to him in a continual spherical cycle that makes me cry out and moan as I remember he and I shared these ecstasies many many times before..and there are no words that come even close to describing the incomparable joy of a union such as he now shows me. He invades my arms, my legs and makes me thrash in delirious satisfaction..I give him my body, I give him my soul, my every prayer is for his lips to taste, my every ticking minute of my life, I give to him now..if he wishes to take over my body, forever, I will leave and give it to him willingly..No other love, or lover will ever be enough for me, so why live, if I can’t live alongside of him?
I see myself back in his world, floating in waves of weightless fulfillment. I am not sure if these images are coming from me or from him, but they pull me into a languid tranquility, as I stretch out hovering, in a space that we created together, that could not exist for anyone but us. I let out an involuntary sigh, one of the deepest contentment. This state is what he calls “healing me” ahh but it is so much more than that. It inspires and stimulates, and makes me fearless, and focused and nearly invincible. I don’t even move my lips, as I say “I love you.” I don’t even hear him say the words, but am just filled once again with an electric charge that says “I love you too” in a way that only he is capable of conveying to me.. After many minutes of silence on both our parts, the energy slowly recoiling back into him, my heart beats returning to normal, I open my eyes, but what I see, is not the familiar room of my sister, but something else so shocking to me, I cry out as if hurt. “No!”
It is a vision of a truck’s headlights, the rain pouring down, and the certainty that I am driving right into it and there is nothing I can do to avoid, swerve or escape this head-on crash. If I hadn’t just been “healed” I most certainly would burst into sobs and protests, but the calm lets me see it all the way through, and when my vision turns translucent and bright, I hear him say, “Just drink it like a good girl.” Then everything goes white.
“Am I going to die soon?” I ask him calmly inside my mind.
“We will all die sooner or later” is his answer and then he tells me to listen very carefully to what he wants to say to me.
“Is there an orb, a sphere suitable for me in your home? I need to move out of you today if possible, I want to protect you and your stability, but I feel my true essence clawing at my own restraints, and soon it will be victorious, and we both will be the vanquished.
“I had a vision of a truck on a highway..a rainy highway.” I say, “do you know what this can mean?”
“Well if it is raining, just drive very carefully. I imagine that is all it means.”
“I don’t mean to insist mine but time is racing away, and I must have a place I can be inside, outside of you. There is not much time left.”
“I bought a glass globe when we had talked of you attempting a cross-over. I’ll get it now and you can tell me if this will work or not, but my Intimate I am troubled by the dream and I cannot just brush it off for now. I’m sorry, but I remember I saw this dream before, in your world. I saw it one time before”
“I don’t want to talk of this now,” he says sternly. “Our lives are not just controlled by our dreams, be they wishful thinking ones, or nightmares, and without alarming you, I wish you to understand, I must leave your housing and pass into another as soon as possible. This is all we must think about now”
I am remembering…memories, like movie previews flashing across my inner screen. They banished me from his world. They tortured me and gave me nightmares, and this truck was in the nightmare they forced me to see, but I keep silent here, and go to find the orb and bring it to him as quickly as I can. I lay it on the bed and ask him if he feels that this will be a good housing for him. It looks like many of the ones I saw in his world, yet those were not made out of hard glass, but something else, a material that breathes and hums, and does not exist on our plane.
“I will try to pass into it now. Please mine, be very quiet and relax, lay down or recline, because the process of my leaving might make you very dizzy, as traces of your own life force will be pulled out with mine. It should be over with quickly, but I need you to be perfectly relaxed.”
I lie back and place the globe where he tells me it should be, not too close and yet not too far away. I keep my eyes wide open, as I want to see, if there is anything to see, how he moves from me into a sphere. I get a slight feeling of panic, but I consciously release into it, not fighting it, and it starts to subside, just as the first beams of heat begin to swirl around inside of me, not just inside my head, but all through my body, and finally I feel them penetrate my hand, and leave in a stream that goes into the glass sphere..It is happening, he is leaving, and I feel like I am almost about to pass out.
There is silence, but I wait for him to speak to me, before I utter a word. I feel the process has been completed, but until he speaks in my mind once again, will I know it was successful. I pray in my own way, and think only that he is now safe inside… that we both are now safe in one world.
Then I hear his voice, muffled, and not strong like before,
“I am sorry mine. I know you tried to help me, but this sphere will not allow me to live more than a few hours. In your world, I am afraid it must be made of pure crystal, and not common glass, that will not allow my facets to breathe, or to shine, and even communicate properly. I need 30 minutes to be left in a cool place, and then I need us to go to find this orb wherever we can. It is my only hope, as I will not go into you ever again, and upset your sanity. I love you mine, if need be, I will die for you.”
I start to cry, out of frustration and the fear that I might not be able to achieve the quest he has put me on, in the time left to save him. I hear the weakness in his thoughts, pauses between words ,and they come to me labored, as if he is heavily breathing. I will do what he asks, and give him 30 minutes to re-establish his energy as much as he possibly can inside an unsuitable dwelling..
Five minutes later, after a phone call to the Crystal Emporium, I feel my hope renewed . They tell me they will be open another 90 minutes and to please come, that in their showroom and warehouse attached, they have many 100% crystal balls. I am sure the agent I talked to was thinking I wanted one to see my future, but I really only need one to assure my future, as I have seen it… and it is by his side.
I take the time to write all these amazing new events in my diary. I make a few promises to myself, and the first is as soon as we get back, and he is safe in his crystal housing, I will present him to Ismara. I am not sure how I kept this from her so long, but she is my beloved sister and I will share this uncommon, unbelievable truth with her. I want him to know her, in all ways that they choose to know each other. She needs to understand there is so much more beyond what she thinks is reality. I want her to have her doors blown open by his presence and his teachings, just like mine were. I know he will also be her liberation too, if she trusts me, she will learn to trust him as I have learned. Ismara is the other side of me, and if she will accept to join me in experiencing the Intimate in all his power and knowledge, and love, she will be set free, and this is the greatest gift I could give her. My tears flow like small prisoners who have been already freed, I perceive a great sense of hope that all our lives are about to change, maybe not on the arbitrary time scale and schedule we try to force life into but, in its own time, it will see us change, and radically. We will be transformed.
I look at the clock and put down my pen, closing my diary. After our meeting with Ismara, I will start a new one, and encourage her to keep one too.We are setting out into unknown and very uncharted waters. The diary is our anchor and our history, our log and our memories.
I pick him up lovingly, protectively and I kiss the glass many times and feel a slight humming vibration inside. I whisper to him,”All will be just fine” and make my last promise, to put him safely on my lap for the whole ride, and because it has begun to rain very hard, I will make sure I drive extra carefully tonight.
to be finished..in an Epilogue written by the Intimate…
*please see my comment below for a list of the previous chapters
July 19, 2011
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